That stuff that you can see floating around on your eyes when you look at white wall or up at the sky? All the answers are there.

In this cult, we understand that the shapes and movements of that stuff transmit special messages from beyond that tell you what the hell you’re supposed to be doing–but you need to join this cult to know how to read them.

Luckily, you can join for the low, low price of half your income, one nard, and most of your self respect. You’ll get entrance to all cult meetings (snacks and verbal abuse included), expensive consultations with guru Iris, and a studio apartment on spaceship Eversight (upgrade to one-bedroom for another nard). Eversight will whisk us all up to comet Cornea when guru Iris’ eye boogers flow yellow.

Don’t settle for a lesser cult. We’re the real deal, become a pupil. Remember, you can’t find your way back home if you can’t see the bread crumbs–the good news is, they’re in your eyes!